Am I A Reluctant Feminist?

Truth be told, I have wanted to write this piece for a long time. Each time I sit down to write my thoughts on feminism, a certain uneasiness prevents me. I do not have a name for that feeling and I would prefer to keep it that way. In Victor's words, I will dwell in the confusion and appreciate its complexities rather than resolve  the issue by choosing a side.

Yet I know that I could not leave this till the end. Someday, I have to sit down and write this piece. I have to write this because personally, my thoughts on feminism are an important aspect of my own journey in understanding what peace is. I am surprised this is almost coming out as a confession.

Last night, while me and my room mates were sleeping, our conversation steered around Wellesley. At some point, my friend said, almost casually, that Wellesley has helped her to find who she really is. I told her that was rather deep. That made me think about my own understanding of how this place has shaped me. Yes, it has definitely been a positive experience thus far. I have developed a passion for learning. But at the same time, I cannot claim that Wellesley has taken me to the horizon of self-discovery. As of now, what I credit this place is for helping me to become conscious of many things chief of which is a new found consciousness of what it means to be a woman

Many of my friends thought it strange of me to choose a woman's college. They ask me the reason for my decisions. Depending on the kind of people and the rapport I share with each of them, I have come up with wide variety of reasons. This is not to say that I lied. All of the reasons have some truth in it but in isolation, they are not the complete explanation of why I came here. And that is not because I choose not to reveal how I truly feel, it is simply that I myself do not know for sure what is the, so to speak, "real reason". I am not eve sure whether there is such a thing.

I have been uncomfortable with my own identity as a Wellesley woman. As much as I appreciate all that is good in my friends ( indeed, its quite a long list), an impression has settled in my mind that somehow, this identity of a Wellesley woman carries a tad bit of feminism in it. Feminisn, yes, that was my issue. At this point, I must say that my own understanding of a feminist is minimal to say the least. I have never studied the academics of it.

i like the humor in it.

I try to think why I have a problem associating myself with feminism. Two thoughts come to my mind. The first is that feminism seems to be an issue of past. It made sense that many women colleges were built because they couldn't attend other male exclusive places. Women who wants to work could not work so the feminist, correct me if I wrong, fought for equal rights of women and said they are entitled to the same rights. Yes, that is actually quite appealing to me. However, I don't understand the emphasis on feminism when so many of those issues are irrelevant now? I like creating something new and therefore I like future better than the past. For me to be labeled as a feminist almost seems to imply in my mind that I am stuck in the past. I have not moved on with the fact that such issues are not so relevant anymore. Moreover, focusing on the differences between how male and female are treated seems to create a divide than actually solve something. It seems.

But after sitting in this class, hearing about how women are still discriminated, about different views on feminism in terms of social construction, I feel like, issues that feminist fight for are very real. The world is not really that modern. And these are relevant to all of us. So then, I have to ask myself. Was I wrong about feminism? Why am I uncomfortable with such a label?  I come from a society where even if women are free to a large extent, they are also cultural norms that encourages certain etiquette from  women. My grandmother always wanted a male child and does not hesitate to hide her disappointment when I was born. I thought I was different from that. Has my upbringing affected me this much? Have I also been cultured into thinking that certain spheres are just out of women's reach? Is my reluctance a sign of an orthodoxy in me?

Am I a reluctant feminist?

As uncomfortable as it is to ask such questions, I am happy that at least I am conscious about my own prejudice.

I am starting to think that some things can only be learned, it cannot be taught. On top of studying it, I have to live it.